please God where am i

it was a very cold day and probably around noon and i could see my breath and the steam rising off of the other two guys heads we were surrounded by vines and thorns wondering what we were supposed to do next the thing is i was turned around but not lost mind you never lost our discussion was ornamented by the shouting and cursing of others trying to make there way in various directions but we just stood there

maybe i should take a step back

one-two-four was sitting out by a tree smoking a cigarette while the rest of the group was asleep i came out from under all the pine needles i had laid on top of me to stay warm in the end stretch of november it had snowed one week earlier and was still cold i came over and sat by one-two-four and glanced at my watch it was two thirty in the morning we had thirty minutes before the start of the event i couldn't go back to sleep so i just sat there staring into the dancing flames of the fire getting warm the last time for who know how long then a guy came out of the woods holding a gps and yelled "everyone wake up and gather around"

me and one-two-four walked around and shook the other four guys awake and then we all circled around the cadre who was standing on a stump

"you are tasked with traveling an unknown distance to four designated points utilizing a compass and one to fifty thousand special map you will carry your ruck sack with all equipment for the entire duration of the exercise and maintain positive control of your rifle your starting point is written on your individual score cards that will be passed out along with your first destination upon arriving at your first point you will hand the card to the person sitting the point and be checked for accuracy if you are in the correct location the point sitter will write a new grid coordinate on your card and you can proceed to your second point this process will continue for your second and third point at your fourth point the point sitter will take your card and sit you in the holding area for transportation back to the coral if at any time you turn your card in to a point sitter and are at the wrong location he will hand your card back with his initials in red and you will start out looking for your point again you must show up to the point sitter will all equipment and weapon in order for the point sitter to accept your score card if you lose your weapon you will be involuntarily withdrawn and separated from the remaining candidates if at any time you become lost beyond repair or injured you can proceed to the nearest road and wait for a cadre to drive by and pick you up this will be an act of voluntary withdrawal if at any time you are injured to an extent that jeopardizes your life a limb or your eyesight you will immediately shoot off a red star cluster and proceed to the nearest road if possible you will continue to shoot a red star cluster every fifteen minutes until found walking within one hundred meters of a road walking on a road talking to other candidates or civilians receiving any outside help is prohibited and will result in your relief from this phase if you run into a hard ball road you are out of the designated area and need to proceed back in bounds or sit on the road and wait for help are there any questions at this time"

and no one said anything probably because we were all afraid to ask anything who knew what would happen he passed out scorecards and said "you have ten hours to complete this task execute now" and we were off

i walked into the wood line and flopped down in what i like to call the recliner which is just sitting down with the huge ruck sack on your back which you can lean back on like a chair it gets very comfortable when you've been walking around for hours with a hundred pounds on your back i took out my protractor and plotted my first point which was only four klicks away so i got my general direction and took off at a jog i found it with no problem and got my next point it was 10 klicks away not close but it could be worse and i took off again i took a detour around a nasty draw which added another klick but saved time in the long run finding my second point only four hours into the time limit my next point was fourteen klicks away and i was not excited about where it was at

it was surrounded by what we call draws and not just any draws this draw that surrounded it was called the draw monster by the cadre it was two klicks wide and had a small river running through it and the bad part was that you couldn't go around it because it divided the area into two pieces only thing to do was go through it so off i went i reached the start of the draw and just starred you couldn't even see five feet into it i walked up and down it looking for some type of path to get through it none . . . what i did hear was not uplifting however

"son of a b****" could be heard off in the distance "you f***er you stole my G** d*** pants" was shouted from somewhere else "s*** i'm not touching the ground anymore" i could here also and i knew i better start or i wouldn't make it to my point so i did just that

it was like trying to walk through a wall except that the wall had sharp thorns as long as my toes and the vines on the thorns were alive and grabbing a hold of you holding you back or tossing you in circles trying to mess your life up to make matter worse for some odd reason your compass does not work in this draw so you're on your own about an hour into it i had been turned around i don't know how many times and i came across two other candidates stuck in the draw and we could here at least four more cursing the vines and everything that went with it close to us the three of us huddled together and started to softly talk to one another without worrying about a cadre catching us due to the fact we were in the middle of hell itself and no cadre would come in here

"which way is north" one of them asked "that way" i pointed "no no it's that way" the other said pointing ninety degrees to the left of where i did "are your sure" the other said "no but it sounds good" he said back "well where is the sun at" the other asked and we all looked up "we could see a bright light . . . kind of and it was directly above us so it didn't help "well that won't work" i said "yeah i know" said another "whats your compass say" i asked "it says north is below me" he said "mine too" said the other "same" i said "anyone seen the river" i asked "no" said both "so what do we do now" said one "i don't know i got to go east and cross the river" i said "same" said the other two

"wait a second aren't you that mormon in my group" said one "yeah" i said back and he thought for a second "can't you ask" he questioned "ask who" i replied "you know . . . Him" he said "you mean God" "yeah that guy" he said back "can't you" i asked "well yeah but he listens to you guys more for some reason" he replied so i said "ok lets give it a shot" i decided "ok but don't promise him too much" said him and i laughed

we did what we could to kneel down but it turned into just being held in place by poky vines and we prayed it was simple just "Heavenly Father i'm not going to say we're lost but we don't know where we are i promise to be a better person if you'll just . . . please God where am i . . . amen" it was a little desperate but that's what we were "that's a good promise vauge and inprecise" said another then he looked at me "so wich way" he asked

and i looked around and took off walking in the direction everyone thought must have been south we walked single file for about another thirty minutes and just as i was thinking God was playing a funny joke sending me in the wrong direction we heard water slowly running in front of us and a few meters later we saw the river thank you God i thought in my head and i smiled and got ready to enter the very cold water still having to find my last two points but i knew at this point i would the only thing i was worried about is if He thought becoming a better person meant giving up coca cola man i hope not

saw it on tv once

i was working in a hospital sitting at the nurses station breaking young lady nurses hearts it was a slow night and nothing had happened since we came on shift myself and a buddy were convincing the nurses that if they go dance under the red trauma light it would light up and give us some excitement so we were sitting there watching as the pretty nurses twirled and moved and swayed under the unwavering light and we couldn't help but laugh they didn't seem to mind and they were getting a lot of attention we only had two patients in the er that night so we put on the radio and started dancing under the red light with them not much happens sometimes at two in the morning sarah grabbed me and we were doing the boogy woogy to some country song just plain old rocking out when the red light started it's flashing and the loud system started it's monotonous whine "trauma alert trauma alert level one trauma inbound eta four minutes" so we went into the bay and the nurses prepped the bed the charge nurse came around and said it was a stab wound to the upper thoracic region which is the chest

so now the nurses are preparing blood products and chest kits and the many other things that go about prepping for a severe trauma to be received the attending er physician wasn't there so i was allowed to run the trauma the trauma surgeon came down and was there to lend a hand as he does with all surgical trauma cases the paramedics came around the corner with his had holding a gauze pad over the man's upper left chest "give me the bullet" i shouted and the emt immediately responded "twenty eight year old male with puncture wound to upper left thoracic region with severe hemorrhaging unable to control in the field no other injuries patient is a and o times 0 with labored breathing one liter of isotonic fluids administered in the field" and by that time the patient was next to the bed and ready to be moved "on my count one two three" and we all lifted the patient and put him on the hospital bed as the junior emt wheeled their stretcher out and came back to watch

and we started with the recorder writing everything i said "patient is unresponsive pupils equal round and reactive to light no step off or deviations on the neck or signs of facial trauma" and i moved my way down the body checking everything i moved the bandage and immediatly put it back "puncture wound to left upper thoracic region four centimeters lateral to the midline diminished breath sounds left side no rigidity in abdomen pelvic stable no crepitis in lower or upper extremities grab c-spine and roll on one two three" and i checked down his back "no step off deviations no wounds no rectal bleeding possitive sphincter tone roll down on one two three" and then we get to fixing "forteen guage in right ac" said sarah "start whole blood o neg" i said "and get another large bore in the left arm and tko it" i added then me and the surgeon moved to the left of the chest and removed the guaze and used more gauze to clean the wound and try to visualize the damage but we couldn't "chest tray" i shouted and the nurse immediatly brought me one "have you ever done a thoracotomy before sargeant" asked the surgeon "no" i said "but i saw it on tv once" i threw in and he stared at me shocked "do you want me to do it" he asked and i said "i'm screwing this monkey sir you just hold the tail" and he stared at me again not knowing what that was supposed to mean as the nurse gowned and gloved me so i added "make sure i don't mess it up sir" and then the nurse sprayed betadine all over the chest just like in the movie and i thought oh man . . . what am i doing

but you can't let them know that even if it's true you have to appear cofident no matter what so i grabbed the scalpel and found the fourth rib and cut right down it then i grabbed the scissors and cut the muscle cartilage and fascia holding the ribs together inserted the spreader and cranked down and wouldn't you know there was the mans heart giving everything it could to beat but failing drastically . . . and then it stopped the heart sac was filling with blood from a puntcure wound by a what i guessed was a knife we inserted a needle into the heart and drained the blood surrounding it that was keeping it from doing it's one job . . . nothing i reached into his chest and started to massage the heart doing its job for it we couldn't defibrillate because it had a current running through it there was just too much damage for it to do its own job the surgeon standing next to me patted me on the shoulder and said "you did a great job it's just too much damage to the heart call it" and i felt it hit me hard and my shoulders slouched i pulled my hand out and declared "time of death zero three forteen"

it was my first patient to die on me

diagnose this

sometime and someplace in two thousand and eight the year of our Lord a group of people were getting ready for a crazy adventure they were all on the call up team for that weekend and like most weekends on call they were sitting in the team room watching the tv desperate housewives was on and the guys were taking turns picking which girl on the tv show they would get with "i'd let her do dirty things to me" said one of them "you just got married jim" another one said "i'd do jim's wife" shouted another "yeah me too" said one more "i wouldn't have you seen her feet her toes are all the wrong lengths the little one is longer than the one next to it" added another "hey jim your wife is so hot i bet you the mormon would sleep with her wouldn't you" jested another "gee jim i don't know i mean she is smoking hot but i'm not sure about the whole toe thing is that true" and then laughter broke out like usual and a few friendly punches thrown "but seriously jim if your kid comes out half white and not all mexican don't blame me" someone said and then everyone laughed jim included

then the Phone rang and it got quiet everyone looked at the officer to see what it was and when he hung up the phone we all knew from that little nod he always gives and away we went each of us went to our locker and opened them up to get out our gear we eased ourselves into our body armor which we called dragon skin because it looked like it had tons of small circular scales then we put our kits on over that grabbed our helmets and made sure we had our night vision then we all made sure we had water and batteries and our knives and checked over each other it was a ritual that we all knew and all did every time i pulled my aid bag out of the locker and slung it on my back and then we all filed out of the room down the hallway to the cage and we punched in our code and our rifles and secondaries came wipping around on a conveyer belt type thing were we picked them up and and slung them across us then grabbed our magazines loaded with ammo and began to put them in our kits checking them to make sure they were full and ready we picked up our radios and turned in our identification and cell phones into the secretary then straight to the planning bay were big plasma screens were lining the walls with information loaded on them of the current situation and a brain was in there to brief us on what we were to do it was pretty simple all we had to do was hop out of a bird kick in a door clear a house and take prisoners if we could so we studied the maps and floor plan of the small two storry house and when our leader was satisfied with our working knowledge of street names room sizes buildings pictures of targets we headed out to the helipad and hopped on the birds

one of the guys pulled out a cigarette and lit it his hands were shaking not because he was scared his hands just alway shook on the bird maybe like a nervous tick because we were all nervous it doesn't matter how good we think we are or how much training we've had you always get nervous in fact if you aren't nervous then there is something wrong with you and i wouldn't want you next to me so he shook and took long drags off his cigarette the guy next to me had his head in his hands and he was praying he always prayed in the bird another one of the guys was tapping the side of his weapon with his thumb it was the same rythm every time fast fast slow fast fast slow another was stairing out the side of the bird and counting every second and when he got to a thousand he would put a small mark on his left arm with a fine point black marker i just twirled my hair with my finger they would always joke and say that the only reason i'm so handsome is because of my curly hair and the only reason i have curly hair is because of my nervous tick so i can thank them for making me handsome i didn't have the heart to tell them it has always been curly and that they just didn't notice it because i had short hair before i was put into them

the crew chief waved his arms at us and we all moved to the doors and sat on the edge with our feet hangning out the guy next to me slung his m4 and grabbed his shotgun the bird flared right in front of the house and we hopped off and ran straight to the door as we were doing this the other team was being dropped off on the roof as we stacked outside the door the other team took up positions on the roof to cover all the streets and walkways leading up to the building one of the guys put the shotgun barrel right on the lock and turned his head away and squeezed blasting the lock clean off as soon as he did that the guy next to him kicked the door and the whole team flowed into the room

i could hear shots before i even made it in when i turned the corner there was a young man leaned out behind a flipped over table and i squeezed off two round into him i saw the first one hit him square in the chest and the second right next to it and i turned to check the corner i was headed for room was cleared and someone shouted "door right door right" i was on the right and i was the second guy stacked on it it was open and three of us moved in the first guy went through the door and immediatly fell straight forward from gunfire and i kept moving behind him stepping ontop of him and past him as i fired a slow and steady stream of rounds down the hallway while moving to the end of it where the guy was peaked around the corner the firing at me stopped so i kept moving up on him the end of the hall opened into a bedroom and we cleared it the guy shooting at us was dead the house was cleared

i immediatly ran back to the end of the hall and our guy was leaned up against the wall with his weapon pointed down the hall ready to shoot something swearing and cursing every word he could think of he had his hand and a wad of guaze from his blow out kit held tight on his shoulder some of it inside the wound but most of it all over the ground he looked at me and said "fix it doc this place smells funny and i want to go home" so i grabbed out a roll of kerlex and pushed it into the wound it wasn't bleeding hardly at all so we wrapped it up and moved to the entrance were the team had three guys zip tied and ready to move jim looked at us and said "what happened to him doc" and i shrugged my shoulder and said "he thought if he got shot your wife would feel sorry for him and give him a little something something" and i winked "doc . . . your wierd" and i said "that's just my diagnosis" jim held up his left hand and gave me the finger saying "diagnose this" and i said "homosexuality" and we got on the birds and headed back

wee hours of the night

the time was november two thousand seven the year of our Lord and the place was none other than richmond virginia in the common wealth hospital it was a cold night and the sun had been down for a long time now and i was just walking through the er doors with sleep still clouding my eyes i was there to do one thing and one thing only . . . have a good time with the indigineous persons but like always the army decided that i would be working so it was my first day working and i was still tired from the previous days my eyes hurt as the bright lights from inside the hospital shine right into them and of course as luck would have it the second i walk through the door i get grabbed by some young man who couldn't be over the age of twenty four and has this almost fearful look in his eyes as he stares at me for a split second i thought this guy was mad but then it speaks "Please tell me you're a SF medic..." and i quickly told it "yes" and with that same fear drenched persona he told me to please follow him and being very curious i did

we walk to the trauma bay and he points to a young lady sitting in a recliner and her hand wrapped in a white sweater a dirty sweater i might add "ok, cool" i said "is she looking for a date why did you bring me over here" he kinda looked around and quietly said "i'm just a first year intern on call and the resident is asleep and if i wake her she'll kill me i don't know what to do with that" i'm shocked "well . . . what do you want me to do go wake your resident for you" and he very quickly shakes his head and almost shouts "no" "can't you just help me and teach me" all i can do is sigh the one thing we hate is having to teach young doctors how to be a doctor when we aren't even doctors and don't get paid half as much as they will

"ok ok lets take a look" and i walk up to the lady and introduce myself and of course like always she asks me in that shaky nervous voice of someone who is... well nervous "are you a doctor you don't look like one you are way too young nope you can't be a doctor" and i said like always "ma'am i'm not a doctor but i am a special forces medic and i can help you or we can let sunshine over here fix you up and hope for the best" she gave a nervous half laugh and i proceeded to take off the sweater tightly wrapped around her hand

what was under that could be called a hand but i prefer the term hamburger meat i looked up at her and asked "what did you do" and she said "it got caught in a meat cuber..." and it looked awful you couldn't even tell that it was a hand and most of the bones were broken in the fingers and two of the fingers were almost upside down form the rotation of the bones that you could clearly see in various spots i turned to the nervous young doctor and said "buddy she needs a surgeon for this we're good but not that good" he says "i know but i already called him and he said he would be here in two hours since she wasn't bleeding and i'm supposed to have it clean and start sewing it close so he can operate" so like i said "cool do it then i'm going to go get a soda and talk to the pretty nurses" that's when he said "i don't know how..." and that's when i thought seriously. . . i'm going to have to spend the next 3 hours teaching this guy how to clean a wound and suture so i grudgingly grabbed a stool and told the doctor to go get a basin and two bottles of betadine and he took off to get that junk faster than i thought possible

"so why did you stick your hand in a meat cuber" i asked her "it was an accident" she said "i figured as much" i said "how old are you" she said "twenty" i said "no really" she said "forty six and a half" i said "you're really twenty" she said "yep and i'm single too" i said and then she laughed and at that point the doctor came back.

"pour the betadine in the basin and grab that bucket on the ground sit in front of her and have her hold her hand over the bucket then your going to put a hole in the top of those saline bottles on the cart and squirt it into all those wounds getting out the not human parts" that's when the nurse brought over the lidocain for numbing the hand "thank you" i said with a wink and the young brand new nurse named sarah giggled she graduated from virginia tech earlier in the year and started working as a rn two months ago she had medium length red hair and looked fit anyways back to the story "the doctor is going to numb your hand with lidocain" and the doctor shook his head rapidly and i said "i'm going to be numbing your hand are you allergic to any 'caine drug" and she said "no"

so i numbed her hand with a wrist block and she started to calm down after the needles where gone then i had the doctor clean the hand and saok it in betadine for 30 minutes then take it out and let it air dry and then the fun began we set up our sterile field . . . twice . . . then i sat down in a chair and grabbed the needle with the suture on it and was about to start doing the sewing when he siad "you aren't supposed to sit while doing that" and i just stared at him "says who" and he said "i don't know that's just the way it is" and i said "i'll tell you what we are going to be sitting here for hours sewing this jigsaw puzzle of a hand and i'm going to sit you do whatever makes you feel better now watch what i do and do the same thing" and i started sewing and explaining stopping periodically to correct him he was a nervous young doctor but he was doing a good job

six hours and three hundred and seventy eight sutures later we were done and the surgeon was waiting in the or he came down to bless off on the work and asked me to come up and assist him on the operation and i agreed so we took her up there and put some pins in her fingers and another three hours later we wheeled her out and sent her down the line the hand looked like a hand and i was hungry so i went back to the er to get some food and flirt with the nurses and then i convinced sarah to take me to breakfast and it was a good end to a good day

background story

here's a little about myself. . .

i grew up in the south and have a wonderful family just like everyone else a sister older brother younger and a mommy parent and a daddy parent we lived in a house and had a refrigerator can't ask for much more than that we eventually moved and then i eventually got myself a girlfriend who i eventually thought i really liked then i eventually decided to leave which brought me to eventually to try college and eventually found another girlfriend who i eventually broke up with and then i eventually decided college wasn't working for me and eventually wound myself up in the army . . . eventually from there i was taught how to fall out of those flying things and i was allowed to volunteer to try to see if i could be one of those guys that wears the funny green hat i was told i might be able to make it so i was allowed to set out on the long process of becoming one i got to be a medic so undoubtedly i was afforded to opportunity to learn more things than i probably needed to know in less time than i absolutely needed it was like drinking water out of a fire house turned up to the maximum but i somehow made it through along with all the other various schools we were volunteered to go to

somewhere along the way i asked a young girl to marry me and as fate would have it we didn't get married what can you do though right also somewhere shoved in all of that i got to do some cool things i did open heart surgery exploratory lap things shot at stuff and all that good stuff it was fun and scary all at the same time and that pretty much brings you up to this point

it begins

i decided to go ahead and make this story of the journey of my life for my own personal self and gratification and if people should just so happen to read it then i hope you enjoy stay tuned